Reflections

For the nth time this month, I went home past midnight from thanksgiving presentation practice with my new friends. This month passed by so quickly, sometimes I feel like a bystander staring at the flurry around. While it feels like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster since the beginning of this year, the last four months have been even more unbelievably exciting. Everything since then has felt so surreal. The highs have been really high, and the lows, very low. I have never been an emotional person---my friends think I was born the unaffected kind, maybe even stoic. So imagine how disorienting this year has been for me.

I met somebody at the beginning of the year. It was the most exciting thing to ever happen to me. I have never been in love before. It was kismet. We lived hemispheres apart---he is from Australia. But we somehow found each other. We met on the internet, and he came to Manila for a vacation. That was the end of February. After the first date, we were inseparable since. It was an intense 3 weeks of my life. Nobody could deny that we were in love. He even asked me to marry him. And I agreed.

It felt like we were destined to be with each other. He arrived on the day of my birthday---he booked the tickets before he even knew about it. I have plans of moving to Australia in 2008 to study. I didn't want to have a relationship before moving because I didn't think it would work out---my career always came first. No boy would ever win---I distinctly remember telling him that. But this guy, he lived where I planned on moving to. It fit. It fit perfectly well. How could this not be a sign? How could this not work? I love him. He loves me. Wasn't that enough?

When he left for Brisbane, it was the saddest day of my life. The 3 weeks that we were together changed me so much I didn't know how I could go back to the life I had before I met him. But luck was with me, and I was transferred from Makati to Laguna and given a new post. The new surrounding cushioned the change. There was a time when I couldn't go to our Makati office without crying because I missed him so much and each street reminded me of him. To this day, I haven't set foot on my favorite restaurant in Makati, where we spent many evenings together, because I'm too scared that the memories will come flooding in and I wouldn't be able to help myself and just bawl (I don't want the patrons to think that they serve bad food).

How much did I love him? I don't think I will ever understand it myself. I have always been one who put my plans first---never believed in compromising. But this time, with this guy, it felt different. I was willing to change my plans. My parents want me to move to Sydney, were some of my relatives are. I was going to defy their wishes and go to school in Brisbane instead. I didn't care if I'd be stuck in a crowded dorm in Brisbane instead of a comfortable home in Sydney---and I valued my privacy and space. I didn't care if the program in Sydney was a lot better (it offered an exchange program that would allow me to take a semester in the French school I've always wanted to attend). I didn't care---I just wanted to be in Brisbane with him. I wanted it so much to work out.

Life isn't always fair. Things don't always work out the way we want it. He promised he'd be back in six months. All he did was break up with me. I didn't even see it coming. We were so happy one minute, and then the bombed just dropped. It all started with a stupid joke that hit too close to home. We haven't spoken properly since. He couldn't even call me---he just texted to say that it was over. Up to this day, I still don't know why we didn't work out.

What's worse is that he wouldn't give me a clean break. He'd text or email or try to chat almost every week after the break up. There was a time when it felt like he was breaking up with me week after week because he could be really hurtful. He wasn’t trying to get back together with me---at least, I didn’t think so. But each time, I never replied. I never said an ugly word---because even if I was hurting, the last thing I wanted was to hurt him back.

I didn't know how to cope. Nobody could help me. My friends were there, sure. But they can only help me with so much---they could only be my sounding board. That wasn't enough for me. I wanted to get over him fast, and just talking about it wasn't making it any easier for me. I decided to change everything. I changed my daily habits. I changed my wardrobe. I joined the Toastmasters. I went out on a blind date (that was a disaster ... I wouldn't recommend it). I even named my quest for change as Project WOH (Widen Our Horizon) to give it credibility. I wanted everything to be new---new clothes, new friends, new hobbies, new habits.

Then somebody I know suggested that I should join the SE Weekend. I must admit that, initially, I was in it to meet new guys----and new friends who can introduce me to new guys. I know, I still laugh at myself for being so pathetic. I was being my old self again. All I wanted to do was escape.

But God had other plans for me. Thinking back, maybe everything that happened was His way of getting me back into His arms. I haven't been to confession in years---a result of another issue best discussed another time. I constantly missed the Sunday Mass. I rarely prayed anymore. I was a lost sheep.

But when we broke up, I found myself praying more often. My favorite prayer is the Serenity Prayer: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I didn't know what to ask God anymore, so I just asked for serenity, courage and wisdom. I also prayed for strength.

I prayed even harder during the SE Weekend. There were times during the weekend when I thought I wouldn't survive it because everything hurt too much and I didn't know what was going on. Old issues crept up, and that made it even worse. It was like baptism with fire. I also didn't know why I was there. But I was pretty sure it wasn't because of the "hot" guys I wanted to meet.

Then I got my answer on two occasions. First, I found out during the confession that I had to forgive myself first. The reason why I've been hurting was because I am my worst enemy (as I'm sure everybody can relate to). And blaming me for the breakup wasn't helping the situation in any way. It's also a lot harder to forgive others if you don't start with yourself.

Second, while I was writing God's letter to me, I realized that there is a reason for everything---from meeting my ex to breaking up with him. My realization is best put by Shep Anne's text to me: RELATIONSHIPS. There are those that open you up to something new, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the YOU that you love, well, that is just fabulous.

Just to get my point across, I thought I'd share with you the letter God sent me.

Dear Kim,

Forgive yourself---learn to forgive yourself. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. I carried your cross a very long time ago, and I died for you so that you need not suffer so.

I gave Chan to you so that you may learn how to be unselfish---to know how it is to love another purely and sincerely. So that you know how it is to forsake oneself for the happiness of another. Chan needed you to show him that despite his difficult past, he is and will always be worthy to be loved.

I know that he has hurt you greatly. But learn from this. Feel the pain---rejoice in the sacrifice. It will make you stronger. And it is this strength that he needs.

I love you, My child.

Your Father in Heaven.



And so, I started to accept a lot of things. The SE Weekend happened 2 months after the breakup. There was never any closure. I don't really believe that you need closure from the other person to move on. But I thought, with my new found enlightenment, I should at least tell him, for the last time, how I really felt. I called it my last act of love. Maybe it will, at least, save the friendship. I have no expectations of reconciliation---I just thought that he needed the closure more than I did. So, during the last few hours of the weekend, I decided to write him my letter, which I will share with you.



Dear Chan,

I write this to you after the most trying time of my life. I write this without any bitterness or anger, only with a sincere heart.

I am grateful that you came into my life. You changed it forever. You have taught me how it is to love. I cherish every smile, every laughter and every tear.

I am neither angry nor bitter towards you. I am not angry at your past, or at you for having a past. I am grateful that you had a past that molded you into the person I have fallen in love with. Your past shouldn't be a source of shame. It doesn't matter to the person who loves you purely and whole-heartedly.

But all this will not matter unless you forgive yourself for your past and free yourself of guilt. Please, do not be so hard on yourself.

I am sorry if I cannot be the solution to your problems. I am sorry if I am not the person who could make you truly happy. I am sorry for letting you down.

And so, once more and for the last time, I love you with all of my heart and all of my being. I love you more than you'll ever know. I love you because you are worth loving.

I wish for you, sincerely, a fruitful life. May you find the happiness that you seek. Goodbye, Sunshine. Farewell, Briny Marlin. You will always have a special place in my heart.

With much love,
Kimberly



There are still many things I don't know---that will take a lot of time. I still need to heal. Right now, all I know now is that I'm glad I attended the SE Weekend and that I met a whole community of adorable new friends. I love you, guys!